Jamaican men love to lie about performing oral sex.

Biting insects
Biting insects

In many, many parts of the world, there is an urban legend of a beautiful mythical creature from the even more beautiful island of Jamaica. This creature comes in many shapes, sizes and colors but is universally strong, strapping, and possesses enormous sexual prowess. This creature is mysterious but exudes sexiness with every spoken word of very broken English. When this creature walks, there is an heir of cockiness fierce enough to weaken any woman this creature demands and this is evidenced by the many, MANY, children this creature creates as the creature has been trained to believe God told him to be fruitful and multiply… and he does not have to pay child support.

It is this creature’s main duty in life to get laid… or else he will lose his ability to lay. However, there are strict rules to this creature’s survival. While he must plant his seed and water every fertile garden he desires—he must never, ever, ever, ever, EVER dive into the bushes and eat the fruit. This creature is The Jamaican Man. The Number One thing we ALL know about The Jamaican Man is that he adheres to a strict diet of oxtail; rice & peas; ackee & saltfish; and drink of the beloved Sky Juice. But of all the foods of abundantly flowing on God’s Green Earth—The Punanny is not on the menu.

Bullshit.

Okay, not all is bullshit… there is child support. Many women from around the entire globe will swear on a Bible with one hand and their kids with the other, that they have encountered The Jamaican Man spreading them out like a buffet at The White House. They don’t just go down, they stay down and come up for air next Tuesday.

One of my friends was living with her Rasta boyfriend. Rasta. You have to understand something. A Rastaman eating punnany is an incredibly serious thing. Many of the most successful reggae songs feature lyrics that not only disparage the act of bowing, but also make some pretty painful violent threats of murder for men who eat under table. And yet, that does not deter the men from putting their girl booty down on a plate. This particular Rasta had a really freaky fetish of sorts. By day, he was preaching from the Bible, praising Jah… hating on the White man, gays, the government and smoking weed from sun up. But when he was alone in bed with his empress—he begged her to skin it out for him. Started with this “mek mi see di whole ah it” type of thing. When he got it, he was like a fat kid that fell face first on a big ass fluffy cake filled with frosting, berries, chocolate sauce, and whipped cream. He munched his way out and when he was done he belched. He even referred to the scruffy tuft of hair just under his lower lip as “flavor savers.”

I’d say there are more Jamaican men that bow than don’t.

Don’t get me started on the Bad Man. The Bad Man is very aggressive in all aspects of their lives and often times rank the absolute best at Tongue Rape (and it’s tough to beat the Trinidadian Man – who cannot legally be called a Trinidadian if they don’t pull the Panty Pearl between their teeth).

One corny as fuck line I heard a bad man say was, “Yo! Baaaay-beeeeeee… ah wha kine ah suga yuh put in yuh panty, cah mi dun know seh wah yuh have deh sweeeeeet.” There’s no turning back from that. That’s his code, baby, and he just sang to you like Mary J. Blige, “I’m going dooowwwwwwnnnnnn….”

Trust me. I would never lie to you. When the Bad Man is bragging about how some thot from up the block cleaned his steel, it is straight up FACTS that Jamaican Man reciprocated because nobody, especially in this day and age, and especially outside of Jamaica is going to put a man’s rod in her mouth and then let him get away with not breaking her off too. You can miss me with that bullshit, Son. It just does not work that way unless he paid for it. No Bad Man is going to ever admit to paying for a blow job. That’s like admitting to having sex in jail. Bad Man is looking for the ultimate cat fight… which he will never in a million years win because she will lock up the box and go home and play with her toys (even if it’s 10 degrees outside and the next bus doesn’t come for an hour). The struggle is real.

Know this Boys & Girls: When we ladies catch a “bad man” biting or sucking in his bottom lip – that’s what’s up. Wink, wink.

By: Raheema X

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