The following is written by TOYIN IDOWU.
So much have been said about oral sex especially among the religious community. A lot of people believe that oral sex is a sin, a perversion of the body and the purpose of sex in itself, while some actually believe that as far as couples are concerned, there is no limit to what they can do with one other behind closed doors.
I was in a gathering few years ago when a guy firmly declared that oral sex is a sin unto God and every one that engages in it is demon possessed! Seated by my side, was a young man, probably in his early forties, whom I noticed had a dropped countenance immediately the guy made that pronouncement. Out of curiosity, I asked him what was wrong (it was a forum for the married). The young man said he felt dirty while the guy spoke against oral sex and was thinking he had been sinning against God all the while. I was really shocked anyway to hear that but I braced up myself to tell him to do what he felt was okay for himself and his wife in his marriage.
Deep within me, I was pained because quite a number of people have been misled over this issue. The most annoying aspect of this is that, many guys in the position of authority roll out many laws but never bothered to let their subjects know on which grounds they were making their assertions. I think it’s high time leaders stopped leaving people hanging and confused. If they don’t have sufficient information, it’s really necessary to consider staying away from such topics till they are well grounded in it.
What then is oral sex? Oral sex is a sexual activity involving the stimulation of the genitalia of ones partner by the use of the mouth, tongue, teeth or throat. Cunnilingus refers to oral sex performed on wives while fellatio refers to oral sex performed on husbands. Oral stimulation of other parts of the body like kissing and licking is usually not considered oral sex. Couples may engage in oral sex as part of foreplay before sexual intercourse, during, or as intercourse.
At this point, I have to state categorically that it is actually wrong for anybody to say oral sex is a sin for couples! If you say that, then it is tantamount to saying people who use left hand to write or eat are actually wrong! We all know that the common choice is the right hand but does that make some people who feel comfortable using their left hands to eat become outcast?
“One man’s meat is another man’s poison”, says an adage. For the fact that you don’t do oral sex or it’s not convenient for you or your partner doesn’t make it wrong for every other couple. What builds your home may crush someone else’s if he or she allows it because, there is a peculiar wine that keeps every marriage.
It is important to know that couples can actually do whatever they want with themselves in their closets; there is no limit to how far they can go in exploring each other’s body in as much as there is no health risk and the two of them are in agreement with. Andrea Lea, in her article on sex says, “One way to be an incomparable lover is to be original and exciting through oral sex and that’s not expected to be anybody’s business in as much as it does not have any form of victimization to any of the parties”. Agreement is the key factor here. So, where is the injunction against this coming from?
Permit me to use the Christians as an example here. There is a portion of the scripture that advices the husband to render due benevolence to the wife and vice versa. When you dig dip into the meaning of benevolence, it tells you that to be benevolent is to be generous and desire to do well. A lot of couples are very generous with each other in finances, ideas, secrets, materials etc but when it comes to the use of their bodies for one another, they are very stingy and cautious! For some, there is a part of the body to be explored and a part not to be. There is a limit to what the husband can do with his wife’s body and the wife dare not do some things with some parts of her hubby’s body. Do you benevolently give your body to her to manipulate the way she desires? Do you allow her?
Let us consider oral sex under three dimensions and later mention when it becomes a sin. Oral sex among couples is not about being right or wrong but it is:
As needed by the couples
A pregnant woman could be asked to stay away from sex by her physician due to some complications arising from the pregnancy for some months depending on how serious the complications are. Now, the husband who has been very active sexually could have a lot of trouble staying away from sex for that period and in order for him to let out the accumulating emotions, if the two of them agree to the need, oral sex could be the best alternative and they will still be fine. In this context, oral sex has come on board as needed by the couples and I don’t think they are sinning.
As enjoyed and convenient by the couples
One of the reasons why God created sex is that the couples could enjoy themselves. We are quite different in our approach to things in life and sex is not an exception. In sex, there are different stages involved and what gives couple “A” pleasure could be quite different from what gives couple “B” pleasure. It’s just the same as Couple “C” enjoying a particular style of sex while couple “D” may find it difficult to even try and this is the more reason why I said no one can just come out and state categorically that oral sex is bad! God made sex in such a way that it will be enjoyable to the parties concerned so that each party gets satisfied and won’t have to look out for any alternative whatsoever. If after all said and done, the parties involved feel they enjoy it and it’s convenient for them, why deprive yourselves of that enjoyment and satisfaction? There is no rationale behind staying away all in the name of religion!
As agreed within the couples
This is the most sensitive aspect of this matter! A guy once beat up his wife black and blue because he was refused oral sex by the wife. Why? Oral sex is no harm if the two agreed to it. But where sin comes in on oral sex is if one doesn’t have the consent of his or her partner and perhaps, the woman, who is the submissive type, just obliges you because she doesn’t want trouble in the home, then I think such an individual is in a deep mess. Or what sort of sex is that which makes your partner feel used or feel less? Let every husband have due approval of his wife before going into it and let every woman have the express go-ahead-order from the husband before making it an issue. People who victimize their spouses into oral sex are worse than infidels!